5 December 2016; 9:37 PM
I have so much confusion swirling in my mind. I can give advice to anyone if asked or at least try. But when it comes to my own I am pathetic in it. Literally, it’s true. Trying to find who actually loves me and does anyone actually does? ; Am I Meeting everyone’s expectations? ; don’t I deserve more? ; How come everyone is getting more than me? ; comparing myself with everyone.
I know I want to look above all this but what can I do. I am not able to do it. It’s still there in my heart. I know I shouldn’t think such questions as life is about loving myself, putting myself in everyone’s shoe before judging a person, everyone has problems in there life, may be someone is yearning for what you have. Like I surely interacted with everyone in ex-school but had no boy who actually bothered to know me personally to who am I? But it’s much better in this school. If you ask me now I can interact with any person you throw in front of me better than before.
Now people are noticing me. I am getting attraction. If I just forget about my insecurities, hesitation for a minute, forget about my environment, be just who I want to be. It would be so much better. You know I sincerely want to participate in annual function. But school let it as a choice and not as a compulsion for participation in annual function. Teachers are teaching us because of it as most of the students remain in class. If I take part in it my studies would be affected. I am afraid to take part in drama because of past experience and I think now all the roles would be distributed my now. Whatever decision has to be taken, it has to be taken fast. Not being able to take decisions at time leads to problem in my life every time. What to do? So many questions swirling in my mind, making me so confused. What I have told is just one part of it. It feels like I am tired from inside, dying from inside while pretending to be happy from outside. And not being able to take part in annual function is eating me up.. I really want to. What to do?
Well thanks for listening to all my rant up.
Bubye for now. See you soon.